We arrived at our plane just as it finished boarding. We trundled to the rear of the plane past row after row of infants (fact: people who sit near the back of the plane, and in an emergency exit row seat, are far more likely to survive a crash. Sitting next to an infant doesn’t improve your chances, and in fact increase the chance you will die whether or not the plane crashes).
I took a seat behind two larval humans and their hosts. I looked both of them in the eyes to warn them that I listen to crying babies for a living (and take x-rays of them sometimes). Alas, they were sleeping and precious and more or less stayed that way for the flight, giving me almost nothing to complain about.
In fact, I joined them in sleep for most of the journey, the difference being they were held in warm loving embraces and I got a chair made by members of the Spanish Inquisition.
When I made my discomfort clear to Roberta she patted my thigh and told me to try and behave like the little ones in front of us.
I tried. I even did a good job until we had to catch our connecting flight from Maui to “The Big Island” aka THE Island of Hawaii. Roberta showed some surprise when they seated us in the very front row FIRST class. I just crossed my arms and sneered until Roberta deigned to notice. “Sigh, what’s wrong dear?”
“I spent a hundred extra dollars on these seats.” I admitted
“Really? You never spend more money than you have to.
Well, I had. When I was doing our online flight confirmation it gave me the chance to upgrade to first class for the ridiculous, low price of 100 bucks. As I write this I’m turning red in the face with embarrassment. Too see, I had thought it meant for the entire trip over the pacific, not the 25 minute flight between islands. I thought I was really going to impress Roberta and instead I got swindled.
“Enjoy the extra 4 bucks per minute these seat are costing us.”
To her credit she did. She snuggled into the roomy seat and ordered the complimentary glass of red wine and pulled out her iPad like it was the most natural thing in the world
“This opulence,” I told her, “don’t get used to it because it isn’t going to last.”
I was so, so very wrong.